Untitled

I was thinking about her today and that old familiar place that i long for..
Any mention about that place would be incomplete without the mention of her.. Afterall she was such a huge part of my life then and of that place that bound us together..

I think about her often.. I cannot "not' think about her.. about how we used to be..

We were together.. always, all the time.

We were good friends..

such good friends,

that friendship was rare.. and i haven't particularly encountered anyone till now with who i could share the same equation as i did with 'her'.

The best part was that she made me happy..
I made her happy..
We both made each other happy..

Friendship like that was rare! We were absolutely CRAZY together!

I don't know how it ended on such a note - we don't know each other anymore.
We are not in touch anymore, i don't know where she is.

Her lies completely destroyed our friendship with each other.

All i have today are the memories and how pure we used to be..

Sonnet

I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,

in secret..

between the shadow and the soul.

Waiting

so I wait for you like a lonely house
till you will see me again and live in me..
Till then my windows ache..

The Dream

The dream was every bit beautiful that it was. I remember it fuzzily. In that dream, you were attracted to me, in ways that i'd only imagined and dreamt of till now.
But the dream is for real. Every dream is a part of reality.

You couldn't stop looking at me. Our eyes met often. I didn't know if it had to do with the fact that i was wearing red. You wanted to be closer to me, know me.
I was your woman, i was your man, i was everything you were looking for..

The strange part was that we were both dressed in red.
It's the feeling that i can't forget.. i'd dreamt of the fulfillment of that feeling for so long.. you gave me that, you filfilled it. It's something THE ONE couldn't / didn't do..
Thank you.

You give me pain

You give me pain. And i want to stay away from anyone or anything that gives me pain..
Sometimes i feel like i move on only to come back to you..
for all my moving on.. i still keep coming back to you.

I have started to walk ahead but i need to learn to not look back and come back to you everytime you come back to me.

Untitled

My nights came to an end with a morning..
the weather was dreadful, it was pouring.. and the rains kept beating dismally against my window-pains..

Untitled short story

"there's no trace of you anywhere.." Emily thought to herself with lost, moist eyes, 'longing' for her lost soulmate ..
they were lovers, always had been all along..
strangely, both of them were aware yet chose to be ignorant about it..
She'd never particularly taken her love seriously until that time when she disappeared and she realized what they meant to each other and what she meant to her..

never ending nights..

The Light and joy of a full moon..
the fragilities of the night..
i wished those nights never ended..
how could you doubt??

You don't deserve me

Love is unconditional. I'm gonna love you that way but no, You don't deserve me.
Because of You, i've broken with my past, brush off aside anything or anyone coming my way, being loyal to You, but You were always busy with others.
Never did You even care about me.
I love You. I always have.
but no, You don't deserve me.
I'm gonna continue loving You like the way i do, unconditionally, but yes, i'm gonna walk away.
After fulfilling the promise i made to You, i'm gonna walk away..
just walk away.

ILY

Every piece that i write in my diary is about You, every story i pen down belongs to You.
It's been a while since i've written about You.
I'm not very comfortable writing about You on public spaces and expressing myself about You.
But i was missing You today. Not a day goes by when i don't think about You.
I think i shall be writing my diary tonight and dedicate another chapter to You.
I love You.
I could just never say it..

I will meet You there

Yahan se bahut door..
Galat aur Sahi ke paar, Ek maidaan hai..
Main waha milungi tujhe..

Longing

Longing again..
how will I ever satisfy my soul..





.

Happy is the moment, when we sit together,
With two forms, two faces, yet one soul,
you and I.

The flowers will bloom forever,
The birds will sing their eternal song,
The moment we enter the garden,
you and I.

The stars of heaven will come out to watch us,
And we will show them
the light of a full moon –
you and I.

No more thought of “you” and “I.”
Just the bliss of union –
Joyous, alive, free of care, you and I.

All the bright-winged birds of heaven
Will swoop down to drink of our sweet water –
The tears of our laughter, you and I.

What a miracle of fate, us sitting here.
Even at the opposite ends of the earth
We would still be together, you and I.

We have one form in this world,
another in the next.
To us belongs an eternal heaven,
the endless delight of you and I.

S

I was thinking about her today and how we go back a long way - since 6th grade in school.
We were not best friends but we were more than good friends.. and close.. very close. Sharing each other's secrets, confiding in each other apart from other things.
APART. NOW. I don't know what happened. We just fell apart. To be honest, nothing happened. Nothing.
That's the irony and the sad part too. We did nothing to save what was left of us.
Maybe if we would have chosen to speak up instead of being silent, I could have said something happened.
But our silence killed the whole relationship.
I deleted her from facebook - she added me back. We didn't speak after that either.
Neither of us made any efforts.
Its' been almost a year since i've spoken to her.
But life is such.

untitled

I took several pictures of my stranger's feet.. i found myself getting obsessed with them..

Floating in an empty universe..

Ok so this is what i've been listening to lately..
This is absolutely terrific. So beautiful.

Reminds me of "..and then they floated in the empty universe and became "one".





Kawa Sun by Alpha Kawu

truth

PDA's on social networking sites piss me off! I don't like people who do that!

Love is personal. It's so incredibly personal..

but then to each, his own.

I think most of the people just want to show off!

But then who really gives an eff what they think.

But then such people still piss me off!

Real love stories never have endings..

I don't wanna miss a thing

I could stay awake just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Where every moment spent with you is a moment I treasure


Don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you love,
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you love..
And I don't want to miss a thing


Lying close to you feeling your heart beating
And I'm wondering what you're dreaming
Wondering if it's me you're seeing
Then I kiss your eyes
And thank God we're together
I just want to stay with you in this moment forever
Forever and ever


I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
Cause I'd miss you love..
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you love..
And I don't want to miss a thing


I don't want to miss one smile
I don't want to miss one kiss
I just want to be with you
Right here with you, just like this
I just want to hold you close
Feel your heart so close to mine
And just stay here in this moment
For all the rest of time 


I don't want to close my eyes
I don't want to fall asleep
And I don't want to miss a thing
Cause even when I dream of you
The sweetest dream will never do
I'd still miss you love..
And I don't want to miss a thing


-Aerosmith

school

It's a strange sort of longing.. a very weird kind of longing i experience when i think about school.
I often have visions and dreams about it.. yes, till now.
Its' the place i long to go back to.. an immense longing to go back to the place i once used to be in.
The familiar faces, classmates, teachers.. i think about them often.
I'd never actually known how much i would miss it until now. Now that i've passed out, it dawned on me how much i miss it and crave for it.
I'm rarely in touch with any of my school friends.. we ended up falling apart.

The kind of longing the desert experiences without rain.. but then again, i have to curb it.
I know i can't go back. I won't get to see my teachers, or for that matter my classmates again, i won't be breaking the rules with Moushami, i won't get to play basketball in P.T. period again, I won't get to listen to Maam Soni's lectures again, i won't get to annoy the teachers or stand in the assembly and have fun, getting punished like i used to.

But the memories shall always remain in my heart.

Someday, i wish to go back. I'm not sure "how".. but i want to. And i wish to meet all the teachers again.. all the teachers who ever taught me.. and be proud of me.

Winter etude

https://vimeo.com/37864513

making love

Undress. Surrender. Because tonight all our hidden desires are going to be fulfilled.
Make love. Surrender to me completely.
Every bit in us will be one.
We've wanted this for so long. You and me. We are one.
Tonight, lets' just shed all inhibitions.

Her

why is it that when you actually end up losing the one you love, you end up realizing their importance.
It could be anyone.. someone in your family, a friend or anyone else.
It breaks my heart into a million little pieces.
Some things make me sad..
I read somewhere a while ago that if somethings make you sad, then let them go.
But i find that letting them go ends up making you more sad..
'because you were happier when they were with you.
Granny has been unwell for some time.
I've grown up with her.. she's old now.. unable to walk by herself.
I love her. There was a phase in my life when i'd gotten disconnected from her. I was too busy in my own world.

Then came the sudden realization.. i realize it now especially when i see her health getting deteriorating by the day. I wish i could make it better for her. I wish i could heal her.. but how do i?
It breaks me inside.. apart from other things.. but i've grown into this person who refuses to tell her sadness to anyone.. its' hard to bring out.
Its' all inside.


I hate blogging about things like this. Things that make you vulnerable and fragile.. things that go deep.. but you've got to turn to someone / something to let it out.
They say that paper is more patient than man.. but when i sit down to actually write, words are extremely hard to bring out.

cricket and basketball

I fucking want to go back to the days when i used to play cricket and basketball..!
Lol i remember back in school I used to be the shortest :'( and used to stand in front but my friends were like 5'8  :/ and they still couldn't manage to get the ball into the basket! :D
Woopies! But i always did :P
Those were the days.. woah! Fun fun times!
One of the reasons i figured why people are so unhappy these days is because they've stopped doing what they loved.. Arrrrgh!
Then go the hell back and do those things again! Simple?
Dude i can be one hell of an advice giver :D heh :D
I'm out now! 

P

She was an acquaintance, not a friend. I'd only met her once.. at a gig and yet every time I go to art fairs, photo festivals, I'd always wished I could bump into her and talk to her.
She seems intriguing to me. I'm curious for the sake of photographing her.
I've always wanted to take a portrait of her and bring out a certain hidden aspect of her personality that no one has been able to do before.. something that she hasn't been able to do it herself.
There's something about her. She's in her mid 30s - there's a huge age difference and yet i've always felt like we could be friends.
I've always had a feeling we would be great friends, if we ever become one.
I want to capture her intimately and bring out her soul.

a million questions

It feels weird.. weird in a weird way.. weird in a strange way.. just plain weird.
Why do people keep so much to themselves? Wouldn't it be nice if all of us could express more..?
Who am i to say "why don't you express"? I don't express either much as i try to.
I rarely ever show my real feelings to anyone.
Why are we the way we are? Why does this happen the way it happens?
why does it have to be the way it is? Why can't it be the way we want it to..?
A million questions on my mind.. i seek.

strange blurry dreams..

The morning felt strange.. I woke up feeling strange about the dreams i saw last night..

The entire night was spent in dreaming.. i did not stop dreaming for a moment. Its' something i clearly remember. 

In one dream.. i was running.. not running away.. just running.. with someone who claimed to be a friend.. we were hoping to reach till the end.. and we did.

That dream ended there. I know why i had a dream like that.

It was longing, my longing for something.. which i cannot reveal here.

In another dream.. i was with a group of strangers... we did strange things.

..

waiting

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thetruthis

The truth is.. if you lose something and if it means something to you..  you ARE going to try and get it back.
If it doesn't, you're going to let it go.

Didn't I tell you


not to go to that place?


It is me, who is your intimate friend.


In this imaginary plain of non-existence,


I am your spring of eternal life

Even if you lose yourself in wrath

for a hundred thousand years,

at the end you will discover,

it is me, who is the culmination of your dreams.

Didn't I tell you

not to be satisfied with the veil of this world?



Didn't I tell you?

I am an ocean, you are a fish;

do not go to the dry land,

it is me, who is your comforting body of water.

Didn't I tell you

not to fall in this trap like a blind bird?

I am your wings, I am the strength in your wings,

I am the wind keeping you in flight

wanting

i just want to disappear. not just for now. but forever.

I wonder if i'll ever show my fragility and vulnerability to anyone.. anyone at all. Even to my closest friends'.
Fragile. I break easily. Humor is often a mask or a cloak to cover things up - to hide things.
Its' not easy to break the walls but "you" can if you want to.. you possess the power to!
I have given you the power to break these walls and to break me into pieces.
Because every time you do that, i pick up these fallen pieces trying to assemble myself together.

the old man

I see him everyday. Almost everyday barring a day or two. I cannot forget his eyes. They look hopeful yet sad.
He doesn't beg for money while he sits there on the street. He just folds his hands and greets whoever passes by.
But its' obvious that he's abandoned. He looks like a fine man!
It almost looks like he was kicked out of his own home by his children.

I hadn't seen him for many days that day.. and i wondered what had happened to him.
I hoped he was okay.
So today i met him again and he greeted me. I looked at his eyes, they looked hopeful again.
I am elated at the little difference i make to his life, if at all i do.
He's homeless. I hope he finds a home soon.

suppressed emotions

So i was talking to a close friend and i told her about everything that happened at home and i love how she made everything better for me.. by not just listening but by providing solutions to my problems.
But what really striked me in the end was.. when i said "stay close.. such closeness with a friend is precious.. especially in this day and age when friends' fall apart."
She said she would try but change is the law of the world and that we don't know how circumstances turn out to be in the future.
Her words moved me..
I told her.. "don't worry about the circumstances.. as long as you don't change, thats' all that matters.."
because the truth is friends' change. I have experienced it and it has hurt me every time to see that.
It broke me into pieces.
How easy is this change?

So the truth is that if two people love each other, no matter what the circumstances.. they would talk to each other.. they would make time no matter what.
But in my case, what really happened was..
i guess.. the reason why we ended up falling apart was because of lack of communication, unexpressed, suppressed feelings..
like if they were mad at me for something.. they chose not to tell me.. everything was kept inside which made it harder.
They never complained, never got angry. They were silent. I understood their silence but i want my friends' to express..
I want them to tell me when they're mad at me, if i did something they didn't like.. i want them to tell me instead of keeping it all inside.. Thats what makes it worse actually!
I've learnt to show my anger much better than i used to.
Trust me, suppressed feelings are no good. They only spoil relationships. And sometimes the ego becomes too big to spoil a beautiful friendship..
I am ready to kill that ego, anytime.

You

I want to see you. 

Know your voice. 

Recognize you when you 
first come 'round the corner. 

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you've just left. 

Know the lift of your heel, 
the glide of your foot. 

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips 
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit, 
when I lean in to your space 
and kiss you. 

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
"more” 
― Rumi

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.  


-Rumi

The Invitation

It's strange when you come across something that sums you up..

this poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer sums me up entirely. 

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know 
if you will risk 
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are 
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you 
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

fears

Its' one of my biggest fears..
i've never told anyone.. i don't like to talk about the dark things..
but it scares me, freaks me..
the worst part: we have no control over it. Its' pre-decided.

1st blog post of 2012

So this is how i am.. emotional about a lot of things. I just realized how emotional i am even though i love to deny it! I can't deny who i am.. this is who i am and i don't want to change it.
I'll quote a very beautiful line i read somewhere from the movie "Ghosts of girlfriends past" - "I think happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less"..