I do not know why I felt like writing today. I guess I have a lot of things on my mind. In a certain way I am disappointed with myself for being cold, cold towards people who love / loved me.
Yes, I am a deserter. Yes I walk away from relationships and people. It's much easier to walk away than hanging in there. I hadn't realized how much people actually missed me and tried to gave me little hints still of how much they missed me even though I am not in their life anymore, until now.
I feel sorry. I feel sorry to have let you down. I do not know why I've become cold and indifferent.
I do not know why certain relations that mattered earlier, do not matter anymore.
I've tried to analyze my behavior and the answers I get is that I have changed for a reason. I've been hurt a lot in the past. It broke my heart into pieces. I hated being emotional.
Change was my only refuge.
And so, I had to change.
I finally feel comfortable in my vacuum where I've tucked my heart away somewhere.
And it's a nice comfortable space to be in.
two kinds of pain. one that breaks you, other that changes you.
ReplyDeletei'm in the same space as you are. almost..
i keep fighting with myself because i am very comfortable in my own space, being my best friend, not needing anyone else. but then, once in a while, comes a situation where i have to be the shoulder, the one who understands, the one who's expected to be a grown up, the one who's expected to give love back, to be a friend.
and i end up doing it.. going against this voice inside - "there you go again. all the best."
And I know exactly what you mean. The only person you can rely on is your own self, Dipti. I've come to realize it lately.
DeletePeople and Expectations disappoint you. Change is the only refuge. I try to stay away from people as much as I can for my own sanity.