Dead

I don't know how to say it. I suck and fail at relationships. I don't know how to keep them, I don't know how to maintain them and keep them going, I don't know what it is.
I don't know how to keep successful relationships.

I don't give out enough love and I know it.
I don't keep in touch and I fall short of their expectations because they expect something out of me and I don't do anything to sustain the relationships. I don't know why.

Lately, I feel dead. I don't feel anything anymore. You left and took the whole of me with you.
I have nothing left of me, anymore.

All I know is that I want to feel alive again.

Secret note

You make me want to write poems about you.
I love how we look at each other briefly with eyes filled with affection for each other.

You're one of the most beautiful people i've met - not just on the outside but inside too.

Your genuine love and affection towards me gives me courage and strength.

Sometimes I want to preserve you,
I want to keep you just for myself
away from the glare of the world.

I am not bothered about the world when you are with me.
I feel shy in your company and yet I am me.

Always

I'll always be a little bit in love with you.

Always

I Hope You Will Always Remember Me

I hope you remember me fondly if ever you think of me.
I hope you remember me.
I hope you remember me as someone who loved you, more than anything or anyone ever could.

Always.

Always.

Arc

The night ended on a beautiful note.
I found myself lying down on bed and staring at the ceiling.

I found myself reminiscencing about the night gone by.

It was a beautiful starry night and the moon was a perfect arc.
We shared things with each other we never normally spoke about and felt sort of intimate in each other's company.

We knew each other's secrets. The kind of secrets that no one else knew about us but each other.

We didn't need words that night for silence spoke everything.

You looked at the moon for a brief moment and then you looked into my eyes.
They were a strange kind of brown.
We looked into each other's eyes in silence until you interrupted it.

You suggested we go to the beach.

As we walked down the beach, I found myself unable to say things I wanted to say.
Words had often failed me when I needed them the most.
I was never a verbose person.
Perhaps it felt easier to keep things inside.

"What do you miss?" you asked me

I felt an absence that manifested itself as a haunting presence.
I said nothing and started to walk away until I disappeared past the dunes.

Everything that is beautiful is short lived and dies.

Train to Lansdowne

I was on a train to Lansdowne when I saw this lady seated across from me.

"Where are you going?" she asked me.

"I am going to Lansdowne", I said. 

"Where are you going?" I asked her.

She looked outside the window towards the sky and paused for a brief moment before answering, "wherever the road takes me".. still staring into infinity.

It must have been around 6 PM in the evening so it felt oddly comforting even in the presence of strangers.

I looked at her eyes, they were blue, a strange blue that sought something she had once lost.
They were sad.

"What do you seek?" she asked me
"I seek the people I have lost along the way.." I said.

She stared at me as if I had said something wrong, as if she wasn't expecting what I said.

"Everything that is beautiful is short lived and ends.. Perhaps that is the beauty of things, the fact that they are short lived.." she smiled, got up and left.

I watched her until she was there no more and disappeared into oblivion.

Keep Distance

Let me keep a safe distance before I give you the ability to destroy me completely.

Listen

I want to keep you as I keep the scent of my own skin..

Fear

Does this ever happen with you? Are you afraid of your own feelings? Do they scare you?
Are you afraid?

Sometimes I am afraid to write my own diary,

to let my own feelings out,

to subconsciously being aware of what I'd been trying to ignore.

I don't know how to not be afraid of my own feelings.

I am afraid to face my feelings, I am afraid to face deep emotions that would ruin me and make me fall into pieces if I face them at all.
Ignoring them feels safe, when you don't face them and feel safe that they are tucked away somewhere.

I feel safe right now. But I don't know for how long.

I've Moved On Too

I've moved on too.
I am floating with the crowd.
I've left them behind.
And I'm not going back.

Change

I do not know why I felt like writing today. I guess I have a lot of things on my mind. In a certain way I am disappointed with myself for being cold, cold towards people who love / loved me.
Yes, I am a deserter. Yes I walk away from relationships and people. It's much easier to walk away than hanging in there. I hadn't realized how much people actually missed me and tried to gave me little hints still of how much they missed me even though I am not in their life anymore, until now.

I feel sorry. I feel sorry to have let you down. I do not know why I've become cold and indifferent.
I do not know why certain relations that mattered earlier, do not matter anymore.
I've tried to analyze my behavior and the answers I get is that I have changed for a reason. I've been hurt  a lot in the past. It broke my heart into pieces. I hated being emotional.
Change was my only refuge.

And so, I had to change.

I finally feel comfortable in my vacuum where I've tucked my heart away somewhere.
And it's a nice comfortable space to be in.

Things and Secrets

I want to write.
But I cannot.
Everything just remains inside and I cannot express.
Things are left unsaid when I have so much to say..
I am a very un-expressive person by nature. Somehow it's comforting to not share.
I have no patience with people. I give up on them too easily.