wanting

i just want to disappear. not just for now. but forever.

I wonder if i'll ever show my fragility and vulnerability to anyone.. anyone at all. Even to my closest friends'.
Fragile. I break easily. Humor is often a mask or a cloak to cover things up - to hide things.
Its' not easy to break the walls but "you" can if you want to.. you possess the power to!
I have given you the power to break these walls and to break me into pieces.
Because every time you do that, i pick up these fallen pieces trying to assemble myself together.

the old man

I see him everyday. Almost everyday barring a day or two. I cannot forget his eyes. They look hopeful yet sad.
He doesn't beg for money while he sits there on the street. He just folds his hands and greets whoever passes by.
But its' obvious that he's abandoned. He looks like a fine man!
It almost looks like he was kicked out of his own home by his children.

I hadn't seen him for many days that day.. and i wondered what had happened to him.
I hoped he was okay.
So today i met him again and he greeted me. I looked at his eyes, they looked hopeful again.
I am elated at the little difference i make to his life, if at all i do.
He's homeless. I hope he finds a home soon.

suppressed emotions

So i was talking to a close friend and i told her about everything that happened at home and i love how she made everything better for me.. by not just listening but by providing solutions to my problems.
But what really striked me in the end was.. when i said "stay close.. such closeness with a friend is precious.. especially in this day and age when friends' fall apart."
She said she would try but change is the law of the world and that we don't know how circumstances turn out to be in the future.
Her words moved me..
I told her.. "don't worry about the circumstances.. as long as you don't change, thats' all that matters.."
because the truth is friends' change. I have experienced it and it has hurt me every time to see that.
It broke me into pieces.
How easy is this change?

So the truth is that if two people love each other, no matter what the circumstances.. they would talk to each other.. they would make time no matter what.
But in my case, what really happened was..
i guess.. the reason why we ended up falling apart was because of lack of communication, unexpressed, suppressed feelings..
like if they were mad at me for something.. they chose not to tell me.. everything was kept inside which made it harder.
They never complained, never got angry. They were silent. I understood their silence but i want my friends' to express..
I want them to tell me when they're mad at me, if i did something they didn't like.. i want them to tell me instead of keeping it all inside.. Thats what makes it worse actually!
I've learnt to show my anger much better than i used to.
Trust me, suppressed feelings are no good. They only spoil relationships. And sometimes the ego becomes too big to spoil a beautiful friendship..
I am ready to kill that ego, anytime.

You

I want to see you. 

Know your voice. 

Recognize you when you 
first come 'round the corner. 

Sense your scent when I come 
into a room you've just left. 

Know the lift of your heel, 
the glide of your foot. 

Become familiar with the way 
you purse your lips 
then let them part, 
just the slightest bit, 
when I lean in to your space 
and kiss you. 

I want to know the joy 
of how you whisper 
"more” 
― Rumi

The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you.
Don't go back to sleep.

You must ask for what you really want.
Don't go back to sleep.

People are going back and forth across the doorsill
where the two worlds touch.

The door is round and open.
Don't go back to sleep.  


-Rumi

The Invitation

It's strange when you come across something that sums you up..

this poem by Oriah Mountain Dreamer sums me up entirely. 

It doesn’t interest me
what you do for a living.
I want to know
what you ache for
and if you dare to dream
of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me
how old you are.
I want to know 
if you will risk 
looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me
what planets are 
squaring your moon...
I want to know
if you have touched
the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened
by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know
if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know
if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you 
to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us
to be careful
to be realistic
to remember the limitations
of being human.

It doesn’t interest me
if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear
the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know
if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live
or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me
who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me
where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know 
what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know
if you can be alone 
with yourself
and if you truly like
the company you keep
in the empty moments.

fears

Its' one of my biggest fears..
i've never told anyone.. i don't like to talk about the dark things..
but it scares me, freaks me..
the worst part: we have no control over it. Its' pre-decided.

1st blog post of 2012

So this is how i am.. emotional about a lot of things. I just realized how emotional i am even though i love to deny it! I can't deny who i am.. this is who i am and i don't want to change it.
I'll quote a very beautiful line i read somewhere from the movie "Ghosts of girlfriends past" - "I think happiness comes from caring more about people rather than less"..